So here we have yet another, “long time no post”, post. I want to say that I have a valid excuse for not posting as much as I had planned other than “I wasn’t in the mood” but that’s truly all it’s been. The last few months have been some of the most mentally challenging I’ve faced in a long time, if not ever. I wanted to take a moment to write down my thoughts and feelings about everything that’s been swirling around in my head. It’s a bit scary to be opening myself up like this on the internet, but I think it’s important for me to be honest with myself and where I am emotionally.
As you know, I graduated from college last May. This should have been an incredibly exciting time in my life. No more exams! No late night cramming sessions! No more awkward forced group projects! While all of this is true and a great part of being a graduate – nobody tells you that sometimes your life can come to a quick halt. I didn’t have a paid, full-time gig lined up after I graduated. I continued working in retail and interning to learn as much as I could. This was fine for me for awhile, but then I noticed that I felt stagnant and my career wasn’t moving forward like I’d always planned. Before I knew it, December rolled around and I felt more lost than I’d ever had in my entire life. There was nothing “wrong” with me from the outside. I was still going to my retail job and still working the internship and everything seemed fine. On the flip side, I was disconnecting myself from my friends because how I was feeling on the inside was a completely different story.
Everyone tells you that post-grad life is hard, but I never expected it to be this hard. Getting rejection email, after rejection email for job opportunities truly began to wear me down. I began isolating myself from my loved ones because I was tired of telling them about the failures that I was experiencing. I had never been the failure. In high school I was in AP classes and involved in student senate. Even more recently my last semester of school I made straight A’s, worked 2 jobs, had an internship, and ended my college career with a 3.6 GPA. You can imagine what it felt like to have the sudden 180 degree turn in my life. Coupled with the never-ending “how’s the job search going?” questions, I felt like it was never going to end. Up until about three weeks ago I was barely keeping my head above water when I hit rock bottom. I experienced the worst panic attack of my life. I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring from my eyes, hands from shaking, or the feeling like I could throw up at any moment. When I looked around I felt as if I had nobody I could talk to because I’d pushed them all away. That’s when I knew I needed to make more of an effort to change.
I went to therapy for the first time last week. It was completely nerve-wracking not knowing what I was about to walk into. It felt good talking to someone who was an objective third party. They told me that it was okay that I didn’t have everything figured out at 23 and it was okay to not have a plan. While outside forces are keeping me from returning to this therapist, their words truly reminded me that I’m going to be okay, and that I need to take a step back to love and care for myself. I began to outwardly seek ways that would feel better about myself daily. Whether it be sticking to my daily beauty routine or finding that perfect song or playlist that gets me motivated I know that I’m trying to give 110% no matter what. While I definitely wasn’t healed overnight, I’m working on being okay with where I am right now. Some days are better than others, but I’m getting there.
Below is a playlist by Hannah Hines that’s been one of my favorites for the last week. I hope that someone else can enjoy and use it as much as I have.